Helping Children Facing the End of Life Discover the Preciousness of Living

How to Help Children Facing Death Truly Feel the Preciousness of Life

Hello everyone! I’m truly delighted to be back here at Yixi. Ten years ago, I stood on this stage for the first time, and today is my second opportunity. After listening to Principal Li Guo’s inspiring talk just now, I thought to myself—if 60% of China’s school principals were like him, my speech today might not even be necessary.

Why This Topic Is So Difficult

For much of my career, my focus has been on criminology. I studied the psychology of offenders—many of them grew up without families, without supervision, drifting from place to place committing crimes. Interestingly, while they caused harm to others, almost none of them took their own lives. As a result, suicide had never been part of my research.

That changed when I began to see suicide occurring among younger and younger individuals. Once, suicide was seen mostly among university students; now, heartbreaking cases are emerging even in children. This led me to consider a deeply challenging subject: life education—teaching the value of life itself.

The difficulty? Life education is a little like sex education: hard to explain clearly, and ideally delivered before it’s urgently needed. It often concerns scenarios that feel rare and distant—yet, tragically, they can happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time. Many parents have told me, “This child seemed so cheerful, so promising—then, without warning, they took their own life.”

And it’s not only suicide. Recently, we’ve seen shocking violent crimes committed by minors—such as the infamous Handan teen murder case. Whether suicide or homicide, the decision often happens in a single moment—triggered by anger, resentment, impulsive pride, or a desperate desire to prove something. The act may feel almost emotionless at the time, but it leaves others in lifelong grief.

If we can prevent even some of these tragedies, we cannot imagine what these young lives might go on to achieve. That is why—difficult as it is—this topic must be addressed.

Teaching “Life” to Those Too Young to Understand “Death”

One of the hardest aspects is this: we want to talk about the preciousness of life, but to do so, we inevitably must confront death—including the deaths of children, whether self-inflicted or caused by others. How do you convey this to someone whose understanding is still developing? How do you go beyond simply saying: “Life is precious. Life only happens once. Cherish it.”?

Psychology offers some clues. Freud spoke of two fundamental instincts: the life instinct and the death instinct. The death instinct puzzled me—until I saw how some individuals, through deprivation or trauma, lose the capacity to love. In its place grows anger, hatred, destructiveness—directed outward (violence against others) or inward (self-harm, suicide).

Death Instinct Requires No Training; Life Instinct Must Be Awakened

From infancy, humans have the life instinct—we want to survive—but not necessarily the ability to love. Love must be awakened and cultivated. The death instinct, by contrast, is almost effortless—it can emerge in moments of rage or despair.

That is why love—consistent, nurturing, and patient—is so crucial in early childhood. It restrains destructive impulses and strengthens the bonds that make life worth living. But love alone is not enough; it must be developed into the ability to love—a process that takes effort, empathy, and experience.

The Role of Family Love—And Its Common Failures

Unfortunately, many families provide love of poor quality. Two types are common:

1. Material Substitution for Love – Parents with resources may avoid the “hard work” of parenting, giving money or gifts instead of time and connection. Such children often grow up emotionally hollow, excelling academically but lacking warmth and empathy.
2. Overbearing “For Your Own Good” Love – Parents who dictate every aspect of a child’s life “for their own good” can leave children feeling powerless, trapped, and joyless. These children are prone to depression because they’ve never experienced genuine choice or self-direction.

Why “Not Letting Go” Is the Heart of Life Education

I believe “not letting go”—emotional attachment and reluctance to part—is the core protective force against both suicide and violence. This comes from love for people, passions, cherished objects, meaningful work, and beautiful memories. The more a person treasures in life, the harder it is for them to leave it.

Thus, life education is not simply telling a child, “Life is valuable.” It is cultivating a life full of value—through healthy relationships, passions, achievements, and beauty.

Building the Inner “Brake System”

Human beings are like cars: an engine (desires and motivations), a steering wheel (knowledge and judgment), and—crucially—a braking system (the ability to stop oneself). Our education system focuses heavily on the first two but neglects the third.

Life education must install an automatic, internal braking mechanism—what I call a sense of reverence. Reverence comes from both respect and healthy fear: fear of harming loved ones, fear of causing irreversible damage, fear of destroying what is precious.

Practical Steps for Parents and Educators

1. Early Warnings and Boundaries – Parents must set clear limits in early childhood. Respect and love are prerequisites for these boundaries to be effective.
2. Rule Education in Schools – From primary school onward, children should learn the principles of respect, empathy, and non-violence.
3. Experience “Not Letting Go” – Activities like writing down cherished people and possessions, then imagining losing them, help children grasp emotional attachment.
4. Foster Emotional Skills – Encourage volunteering, cross-generational interactions, and service work to deepen empathy.
5. Mutual Love – Parents should also receive love from their children, not just give it. Share feelings and seek their perspectives.
6. Holistic Health – Ensure adequate exercise, sleep, outdoor activity, and a hobby or skill that builds confidence.
7. Open Conversations – Talk regularly and meaningfully. Expand children’s horizons with books, experiences, and discussions.

Final Thoughts

Every life has the potential to shine—as long as it is lived. Our role as parents, educators, and society is to fill young lives with enough love, meaning, and beauty that they instinctively choose to protect it.